After fights, things feel distant and cold. It’s hard to want to come together in the moment or feel supported by your partner. However, just as the way you fight is important, being able to repair afterwards is just as vital.
A repair is simply an attempt to bridge the gap, create closeness and minimize the hostility or tension. When done with intention, it can make all the difference between being passive aggressive and having a week of silence, to feeling close, understood, seen and heard.
So here are 5 steps to repairing after a fight:
Put pride and ego aside and extend an olive branch
A lot of times during and after disagreements, the hardest part is coming together and wanting to end the fight. For a lot of couples, it’s realizing that it’s not a matter of prioritizing their pride or ego, but rather the relationship. Extending an olive branch oftentimes softens partners to try and talk about things from a more understanding point of view.
Have each partner take a turn to talk about what they’re feeling without blame
Taking turns is not just about interrupting one another and making sure each person get a chance to speak. An important part of taking turns is to also encourage intentional listening. It’s no good to each get a chance to speak if neither of you are truly caring about understanding and wanting to listen to each other.
Discuss and validate each other’s realties and perspectives
It takes courage and immense vulnerability to express your reality and perspective with your partner after a heated argument. So it makes that you’d like to feel as though your partner makes space for those feelings, but also validates your truth and perspective, even if their intention wasn’t to be hurtful. The goal here isn’t about blame, but acknowledging one another.
Take accountability for your role in the fight
This can be difficult for some people because it’ll feel like an admittance of guilt and taking blame, but that’s not what this one is about. Taking accountability is simply about recognizing the ways that you could’ve responded better, handled the situation better, or showed up differently for your partner. Believe it or not, doing this leads to immense connection and closeness.
Acknowledge one another and discuss ways to deal with these concerns/feelings if and when they come up again
Having an action plan moving forward can be so helpful in knowing each other’s expectations and minimizing these flare-up fights. Take your time to discuss this and look at it as a way to reconnect and come together as you’re working together as a team.