Let’s face it, relationships are tough. Learning to effectively communicate and express yourself is one of the most difficult parts. Understanding and a true want to be there for your partner can go a long way. It can help bring down defenses and heighten connection. However, sometimes love is the furthest feeling coming up for you and understanding is the last thing on our mind (admit it, we’ve all been there).
So below I breakdown some ways to further increase effective communication and understanding during those difficult topics and conversations.
Before you begin, ask yourself, “why do I feel upset?”
Are you truly angry because your partner left their dirty dish on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you're doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings and what’s truly coming up for you.
Use “I” statements
When disagreeing, things can escalate quickly when emotions are running high. Therefore, keeping things centered around you and your feelings helps to reduce tensions. It also reduces the risk of your partner personalizing your feelings or leading them to feel attacked.
For example, instead of saying “You’re making me feel like I’m a bad person”
Try instead, “I feel hurt hurt hearing you say that and like I’m being seen as a bad person.” Do you feel the difference?
Reduce blaming by keeping focus on how you feel rather than on how to change your partner
The second you get into a space of focusing on what your partner should change and where they went wrong, you’re setting up the conversation to become tension-filled and to escalate. When discussing what your partner did, keep it within the lens of how it impacted and felt for you. It helps your partner to reduce defensiveness and listen with more understanding.
Listen with the intention of understanding your partner rather than defending your belief
It can be difficult to not go into defense mode and create an enemy out of your partner, especially when it feels like you’re being attacked. Shifting that perspective to one where you take yourself out of the equation and listen to your partner with love and understanding can be a game changer.
If this proves to be too difficult, try saying something like, “I want to be able to get where you’re coming from, but your tone/body language/intensity is making it difficult for me to fully tune in. Would you consider speaking from a less angry place?”
Validate your partner’s experience and express, without judgement, when it feels like that’s not being done for you
Validating your partner and their experience can keep things level and calm. It can be hard to do this when things become heightened and clouded, however, this can help to bring things back to a space where resolve can happen. I know it can be even harder being that person for your partner, when you don’t feel that happening for you.
Rather than saying, “Well you’re doing the same to me! I feel the exact same way, when you start, then I will too.”
Try instead, “That sounds awful and it wasn’t my intention, I was trying to express (blank), but I can understand why it came across that way to you. It would be helpful for me if you could acknowledge those moments when I feel similarly. Is that possible?”
Take a time-out if things get too heated
In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. If an argument starts to become personal or heated and you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, it’s ok to take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.