Relationships usually start with an intense sense of bliss and connection. There’s a passion that envelopes a couple and draws each individual into one another as the days blur together. It’s magnetic and powerful, often referred to as the honeymoon stage.

As expected, this phase usually fades and the rose colored glasses come off. When that happens, things that were once adorable quirks become bothersome. Triggers start to become more apparent and it becomes harder to manage emotions and reactions. A breakdown happens in the trust and security within the relationship. Without safety, insecurity becomes dominant and both partners find themselves stuck in a loop of disagreements that keep coming up.

There are certain indicators that can help a couple identify when they are in a negative cycle. While some couples might only experience some of these, the common theme present in negative cycles is the lack of safety within a relationship. Because of that, things are perceived through the lens of insecurity and defensiveness. Understandably, if not addressed, this only leads to more distance and contempt.

Your partner does something negative and is met with negativity from you
For example: Your partner is hungry and reacts in a way that triggers you. You immediately personalize your partner’s reaction and react with a defensive comment that leads to a disagreement.
When this continually happens, the relationship starts to lack safety, security and trust. It becomes easier to assume the partner’s reaction is a personal attack rather than a reaction to their own experience. In the example above, your partner’s behavior is a reflection of their hunger and is not about you. However, because there is a lack of security, you look at the behaviors through a lens of insecurity, which inhibits understanding.
Your partner does something positive and you follow with a non-response or defensive response.
For example: Your partner cleaned your home. You come home and do not mention or show appreciation for the gesture or take it as an attack by assuming that your partner did it to showcase how much you’re not doing around the house.
If this lack of acknowledgement or defensiveness continues, a cycle will develop where there’s a sense of hopelessness for the future. A sense of “what’s the point” will develop within the relationship because actions or behaviors within the relationship (positive or negative) are met with the same reaction (aggression, hostility, etc.).
Things are viewed through a “negative” lens and the future seems hopeless
For example: Even when things seem to be improving, it is hard to trust that it is going to last. One or both partners feel this impending doom or that it is a matter of time before things go back to feeling “bad/negative” again.
Because there is no security within the relationship, the couple has difficulty being present and enjoying what’s happening in the moment (things feeling “right”). Instead, there is tension, worry, and anxiety crippling them from realizing that they have control and can create a new reality for themselves and they are doing it right now.
There’s a list of “bad memories” right before you.
For example: When a couple is having difficulty maintaining a positive cycle— it feels like those positive moments only last seconds compared to weeks of being in a negative cycle and engaging in strained interactions.
The couple has difficulty grasping to positive interactions and moments because they feel few and far in between. There’s a lack of balance and the “bad memories” feel overwhelming. Relating to one another from this viewpoint doesn’t allow either partner to maintain a sense of security. They will interact from a place of fear and insecurity making it that much harder to reach understanding and compassion for the other.
You feel hurt, alone, or unimportant but what you show is anger, indifference, and defensiveness.
For example: You feel neglected by your partner. Rather than expressing feeling alone and hurt, you withdraw, isolate, and react with anger when addressed.
Although it feels protective to react with distance, this only further perpetuates the narrative that the ego is creating that you are being neglected.