Boundaries represent what a person is willing to accept, tolerate, or allow in their life. Boundaries are an act of self-love, but that doesn’t mean that creating and maintaining them comes easy or intuitively to us.
Many people have difficulty setting and following through with boundaries because we have been conditioned (by society, upbringing, relationships, etc.) to view them as a selfish and a negative way to move through our relationships.
This has created a culture of people pleasing, where our self-worth is attached to the false idea that we are the sum of how much of ourselves we give away to others. In doing so, we’ve learned to live life through the lens of fear. As well as developing poor boundaries within our relationships that lead to resentment, expectation, assumptions, and disappointment.
So how can we set boundaries for ourselves within our relationships?
Understanding that setting boundaries is for you—not to control another person or behavior.
Like we stated previously, boundaries are an act of self-love. It is you honoring your feelings, wants and needs in order to show up from a place of love. Showing up from a place of love means that you can meet your relationships from a place of care and compassion rather than resentment and expectation. Through this, you’re conveying to others that you matter and expressing what’s important for you.
You are not responsible for how others choose to respond, but you are responsible for how you respond.
Just like setting boundaries isn’t easy for us, it’s also not easy for others to meet us where we ask. Some people struggle with being told “no” and will struggle with accepting what you’re asking for. That’s ok, remember that the boundary is for you, not them. Stay firm with your boundary despite others response and their/your discomfort.
I’ll let you in on a secret: people’s reactions have little to do with you. Oftentimes, they are acting out based on past experiences and their own internal perceptions. Therefore, your job is to continue to honor your experience by not taking responsibility for how others feel about you choosing yourself.
Be consistent
Consistency is key and by that I mean honoring yourself by honoring your boundary. Others will not value the boundary if at the first sign of discomfort you allow for adjustments. You’ve already done the hardest part by having the courage to voice your boundary.
It’s normal to feel uncomfortable to that point that you’ll over-explain, apologize, or rationalize why you set the boundary to begin with. This requires us to commit to our boundary through consistency in our behaviors to uphold them.